May 5, 2010

• Chickenhouse Chronicles, Part 2

  …or Delbert’s Annual Report of the State of the Poultry on Diamond T. Ranch, Inc.

  Let me just say, right off, that there is nuthin’…. and I mean, NUTHIN’…. to crow about on this here farm right now, and that’s the flat-out truth of the matter. Leastways, not from this rooster’s point-a-view. What can a feller say about two measly hens? Did they expect me to fight off the skunks, possums AND coyotes????

  Maybe I better back up, ’cause you need to know the whole story, not just what SHE”S told ya. The Lady at the House don’t give credit where credit is due. She don’t know how many hawks and foxes and blacksnakes and rats and other critters I fought off these last many years. All she carries on about is the ones that slipped in on me. What’s a feller s’posed to do about a skunk, fer goodness sake??? Did she want me to peck him???? No thank you, nosiree, not this here rooster! No sweet little hen is worth that kind of mess on his feathers! Just so ya know….

  Or did she perhaps tell ya about the hole in the fence? See here, now, I will set the record straight — I was not the one that done that! It was that feisty little red hen, Clara, that thought the grass was SO much greener…. and the grasshoppers SO much juicier…. on the outside. It was HER that pecked and pulled and twisted that wire till she had a hole big enough to squeeze her feathered little fanny through. And a cuter little fanny this rooster never did see, by the way….but that’s a story for another day…. ahem … best to keep to the business at hand ….

                  

                           (That’s me and Clara…)

  Well, it DID seem like Clara was gettin’ a whole heap more bugs out there in the horse pasture than we was, all penned up in this little ole yard. And she DID sorta strut around and taunt us, like, with her little happy chirpin’ sounds. And soon, we all pushed ourselves through that little hole in the fence and was all out there, runnin’ around like chickens with their heads….oops, like kids outta school. Freedom does that to a feller….he fergets what he’s supposed to be a-doin’, like keepin’ an eye out on the sky fer them mean ole hawks and such….and first thing, I knowed, Gaudie was a goner.

  Now let me say this right up front: I did love that little Gaudie. She was my best girl from all the way back to the beginning. That little striped hen had me wrapped around her little chickenfoot from day one. All she had to do was cock her head to one side and give me that eye, and I’d come a’runnin.’ Why she didn’t holler on THAT day still haunts my roost ever night. All I know is, she was gone. And I’ll never ferget her. Just so ya know….

  ‘Cept maybe when I look at Minnie. Now, this new gal, Minnie, she’s a looker. Striped like Gaudie, and maybe that’s what made the Old Lady get her. The woman did sorta cry and carry on over Gaudie, maybe more’n a human should. I guess she thought a new gal would take her mind off her grief and such. Anyway, when this new gal steps outta the house and walks down the little ramp every mornin’, it’s like she’s on a runway, ya know? Like she knows I’m waitin’ and watchin’, and she struts it pretty good, lookin’ here and there and stretchin’ that nice little neck out good and long and fluffin’ her feathers. And when she makes that little cluckin’ deep in her throat that says, “Delbert? What are we gonna do today?” Well, I just say, “Honey, whatEVER you want.” What’s a feller to do, I say, What’s a feller to DO?

  I guess, since this is some kind of O-fish-ul Re-port, you wanta know about eggs. All people wanta know about eggs … it’s all we ever hear. “Where are the eggs?” “How many eggs today?” Why is this egg funny-lookin?” “What do these speckles mean?” I have to say, sometimes this rooster gets TARD of hearin’ about eggs! In fact, they’s a good reason why the eggs became scarce as hens’ teeth this last winter, and it’s spelled S. N. O. W.

  Now, if you wanna talk about somethin’ that gets my wattle in a wad, let’s talk about SNOW! You got any idee what it’s like for us chickens long about January? Remember, we ain’t got no BOOTS! And you expect us to climb down off our cozy perch, walk down that ramp and step right out into that freezin’ white stuff?? I’m here to tell ya, life is no PICNIC for a chicken in winter. These skinny little feet are NOT made for wadin’ in no six inches of frigidity. And last winter there was W-A-A-A-Y too much of it.

  Now, I know they’s no such thing as a chicken union, but let me just say this: it’s easy to get the gals to cooperate when they’re cold. So I reckon it’s time to get this out on the bargaining table….next winter had better be different….or else! Mexico begins to sound M-I-T-E-E good long ’bout New Year’s… and I hear they don’t keep ya in no pens down there … runnin’ free and breezy all the live-long day, is how I hear it. Just so ya know…

  Well, that’s about all Delbert’s got to say. I just heard Minnie purrin’ somethin’ about worms in the garden the Man tilled for us. And Clara wants to go back to the salad bar this mornin’….the Lady did do us one good favor when she planted somethin’ she calls Hosta in her flower beds…man o’ man, it sure is some good! But why does she hafta gripe about us eatin’ it…what does she want us to do, LOOK AT IT???

  I’ll be back long ’bout this time next year, if the good Lord’s willin’ and the hawks stay away….and the skunks and the possums and the coons and the coyotes…don’t it seem like chickens has got more’n their fair share of enemies in this ole world???? Life is no bowl a cherries, nosiree. Just so ya know….

  Yours truly,

  Delbert the Rooster

  (This here’s Minnie…she’s gotten awful lazy lately…won’t come offa her nest for nuthin’–think the Lady needs to have a gal-to-gal talk with her, if ya catch my drift….)

                

  • 11:35 am
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